WEEK 4 (June 15)

[Author's Note: [Author’s note: If this is your first time visiting the UMC blog, you might want to check out the INTRODUCTION first.]

And the winner is…

Monsters of Rock!

Congratulations you hard rocking rockers you.

“““““““““““““““““““““““““““

It was a pretty good showing for Week 4 of the Ultimate Music Challenge, considering that it was Father’s Day, and the opening of the Del Mar Fair, and The U.S. Open. It took a little bit to warm up, but when it did, it warmed up quite warmly.

The first band to play was a Cult tribute band called Sun King.

Set List:

• Wild Flower
• Lil Devil
• Fire Woman
• Love Removal Machine
• Sanctuary

The very first thing that the judges noticed was the guitar player’s wig. Good god was this thing atrocious! It was impossible, in the early part of their set, to focus on the music because of the monstrosity on his head. But then, when the shock wore off, you could tell that under that wig was an awesome guitarist. The singer was great too. All of them pretty much mastered the technical aspect of Cult tribution¹; however, with regard to their level of energy, they were about a spark plug short of firing on all pistons.




In their defense, the crowd was still pretty small and stiff at that point, making it very difficult for a band to create energy when they’re not getting any energy back, which is pretty much what Iwe told them during the judges’ comments, after which I added, “Oh, and Mr. Guitar Player, don’t you feel bad for the muskrat you had to scalp to get his fur?”

The guitarist chuckled, then pointed at the wig as if to say, “I know, I know, but the guys made me wear it.”

Next up, The Corvelles.

Set List:

• Ain’t No Mountain High Enough (reprise)
• Come See About Me
• You Keep Me Hanging On
• Stop in the Name of Love
• Where Did Our Love Go/Baby Love medley
• Why do Fools Fall in Love

(Wig Status = dark black beehive vis-a-vis Diana Ross)

<a

This was a fairly large ensemble, with bass, drums, guitar, sax, keys, and three hot mamas with glittery dresses and humongous, um, white boas.

From the moment the mamas started singing “Ain’t No Mountain,” chills ran down my spine. It was only a short reprise but instantly, we knew, these chicks were gonna bring it.

And it got brought.

All I kept thinking was . . . And on the 7^th day, God created The Corvelles

Their lead vocals, their harmonies, their gowns, their choreography – it was all so damn close to perfect my pimples were goosifying on the spot.

And the musicians were no slouches either.

The Corvelles were firing on all pistons all right. But not like the high RPM rev of a race car, rather, the gorgeous purr of a brand new Aston Martin V12 idling in your garage. You know, that sound when you open the hood and can hear the motor humming, nary a blip or a burp to be heard, and the engine is clean and sparkling, and the radiator fan blows a gentle breeze in your face. That’s The Corvelles – a T-Rex song incarnate.

During the judges comments I expressed my deep infatuation with the Diana Ross character and added, “Now that’s the way to wear a wig!”

The Xceptions came next.

Set List:

• Footloose – Kenny Loggins
• Dancing Queen – ABBA
• Barracuda – Heart
• All I Ever Wanted – Santana
• Bad Case of Loving You – Robert Palmer

(Wig Status = No Wigs)

I had such high hopes for these guys when they started. As much as I hate the song “Footloose,” and spent most of the 80’s hoping Jim Messina would stab Kenny Loggins in his sleep, the lead singer/lead guitarist really gave that tune a new life, and the two female background singers hit the harmonies in such a way that brought a zeal to the song far beyond anything that other asshole did with the song (suck on that Kenny Loggins).

My high hopes fizzled quickly after “Footloose” though because that was the last we heard from the male singer handing off the lead vocals, instead, to the two, inadequate chick singers².

The tall blonde sang “Dancing Queen” and it was an instant disaster. So was Barracuda by the shorter brunette. It was a ludicrous attempt for her to even try to channel Ann Wilson on this, or any other Heart tune.

To be fair, I was talking to a couple of the guys in the Xceptions afterward and they said the girls couldn’t hear themselves in the monitors, which is probably true, and unfortunate because the music was so freaking good, especially the aforementioned singer/guitarist, who was stunningly talented. They were so good I don’t think the crowd much noticed the weak vocal showing. In fact, they got the second largest cheer of the night so what do I know.

Then came Monsters of Rock

Set List:

• Highway Star – Deep Purple
• Flight of Icarus – Iron Maiden
• Night Train – Guns and Roses
• Take Hold of the Flame – Queensrÿche

(Wig status = No Wigs)

It took about six or seven notes of “Highway Star” before I realized that The Corvelles were in serious danger of being toppled.

Highway Star is an incredibly difficult song to play and sing. But these guys slammed it; I mean smacked that song out of the galaxy. I can’t say enough about the guitars, drums, bass, and especially vocals, which were from another realm.

Then, for their second song, when most bands wisely choose to play it safe, to play Iron Maiden – in a casino lounge – that took balls of iron. And it worked! The Maiden was a hit! It couldn’t have been any better if Eddie the ‘Ead himself walked out onto that stage, 12 feet tall and lumbering behind the drum kit with the souls of the damned dripping from his bloody maw.

And talk about your nearly impossible vocalists to cover, just try covering Ian Gillan, Bruce Dickinson, Axel Rose and Geoff Tate – in one set! Just try it!

I have one suggestion for Monsters of Rock; just a minor name change. Hey guys, why not use the heavy metal umlaut in your name? Try something like, Mönsters of Rock, or Monsters of Röck, or even Monsters öf Rock, whatever man, just make sure you get those eyeballs of Satan looking over your band name and you will forever rock in giant, golden arenas.

Last but not least came an Ozzy Osbourne Tribute band called Mister Crowley.

Set List:

• Diary of a Madman
• Over the Mountain
• I Don’t Know
• Crazy Train

(Wig Status – I suspect the Ted Nugent doo on the guitarist was real).

I felt bad for Mr. Crowley to have to follow a powerhouse like Monsters because they were quite good. The singer, as I said in the judges’ comments, was better at covering Ozzy than even Ozzy can cover Ozzy at this point. And he had that special sense of brain-deadedness that Ozzy seems to always carry around with him.

The music was great, and hard, and the guitar player, who looked like Ted Nugent but played like Randy Rhoads, was smoking. However, in the end, it was clear to all three of us that the choice was between The Cörvëllës and the Mönstërs öf Röck.

And the choice couldn’t be more difficult, couldn’t be more applesy and orangesish.

If The Corvelles are the sound of the soothing hum of a finely tuned Aston Martin idling, then Monsters of Rock are the roar of and Eagle 772 Spreadmore dragster engine with titanium valves and Manton pushrods speeding 200 miles per hour down the stretch without a chute.

If The Corvelles are a sac of warm sweet estrogen dripping over our heads necks and shoulders, then Monsters of Rock are double barrel shotguns splattering hard raw testosterone throughout the room.

If God created the Corvelle’s on the 7^th day, then on the 8th, Satan gave God a phone call and said, “Yo homey, that’ some good shit right there. But, have you heard this?!”, and then dropped some Monsters of Rock on Göd’s headphones.

The rest is history.

Edwin Decker
Judge #3
www.edwindecker.com

1. Tribution – (prounced Trih-bew-shun) A new word I just coined which means, the act of one band paying tribute to another, such as in a Cult tribute band.